Dear Little One,
We always thought we had our life planned out and we would have control over when we would have children. Were we ever wrong. You showed us that sometimes things happen outside of our plans.
We had just moved from Utah to Las Vegas, it was a huge move for us. Dad had just started a new job teaching High School and I was adjusting to staying at home with your brothers after always working. Your little brother was only 6 months old when we found out we were pregnant with you, and boy were we ever surprised! We were scared, actually I was terrified of having two babies so close in age. After several days of crying I came to the realization that we could do hard things and everything would be ok. For weeks I prepared myself to be a mother of 3 and to see you on the little ultrasound. We had to wait longer for an appointment than expected but with 12 weeks approaching in late October I wasn’t worried since nothing seemed to be going wrong. On November 3rd, however, we ended up feeling those very real feelings of something is so very wrong. We were only two days away from our first appointment but we would never get to see you wiggling inside. After an ER visit that left more questions than answers, we went two days later to what was suppose to be our first time seeing you. We were told that there was no longer, if ever, a baby. These words were so hard to hear! Had I wished for this? Was there something I had done? What was wrong with me?
In 12 short weeks I had come to love this baby inside but in under 5 minutes it was all taken away. The happiness turned to sadness, the smiles to tears. I was devastated, lost, broken. How could this be happening to me, to us? Your brothers were so excited to meet you how could I go home and disappoint a 3 year old. Days of sorrow turned into weeks, all I wanted to do was stay in bed and cry. I couldn’t just let sorrow and grief keep me in bed, people needed me, my children needed me. Having to pull myself out of bed every morning knowing that I had had a miscarriage was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.
You have made me a stronger mother, wife and woman. I will always know that for some reason you were needed elsewhere. The days do get easier but the grief sometimes takes over. On the bad days I try to think of you sitting in Heaven watching over me. Oh how I wish I could have held you in my arms to smell your sweet little baby smell but I will just have to wait for now and know that you are where you are meant to be.
It has been almost a year now and I still cry over the loss of you. No one knows why I will sometimes break down in tears or just go silent but in those moments is when I miss you the most and I just am thinking of you. We are getting by but will never forget the impact you had on our lives. We hope that you are enjoying your friends and family that I hope and imagine surround you. Always remember that I love you and look forward with great anticipation to the day I get to see you and hold you in my arms.
Love,
Mom
